What
is normal behavior for a child?
Normal
behavior in children depends on the child's age, personality, and physical and
emotional development. A child's behavior may be a problem if it doesn't match
the expectations of the family or if it is disruptive. Normal, or "good"
behavior is usually determined by whether it's socially, culturally and
developmentally appropriate. Knowing what to expect from your child at each age
will help you decide whether his or her behavior is normal.
What
can I do to change my child's behavior?
Children
tend to continue a behavior when it is rewarded and stop a behavior when it is
ignored. Consistency in your reaction to a behavior is important because
rewarding and punishing the same behavior at different times confuses your
child. When your child's behavior is a problem, you have 3 choices:
Introduce
a How do I stop
misbehavior?
The
best way to stop unwanted behavior is to ignore it. This way works
best over a period of time. When you want the behavior to stop
immediately, you can use the time-out method.
How
do I use the time-out method?
Decide
ahead of time the behaviors that will result in a time-out -- usually tantrums,
or aggressive or dangerous behavior. Choose a time-out place that is
uninteresting for the child and not frightening, such as a chair, corner or
playpen. When you're away from home, consider using a car or a nearby
seating area as a time-out place.
When
the unacceptable behavior occurs, tell the child the behavior is unacceptable
and give a warning that you will put him or her in time-out if the behavior
doesn't stop. Remain calm and don't look angry. If your child goes on
misbehaving, calmly take him or her to the time-out area.
If
possible, keep track of how long your child's been in time-out. Set a timer
so your child will know when time-out is over. Time-out should be brief --
generally 1 minute for each year of age -- and should begin immediately after
reaching the time-out place or after the child calms down. You should stay
within sight or earshot of the child, but don't talk to him or her. If the
child leaves the time-out area, gently return him or her to the area and
consider resetting the timer. When the time-out is over, let the child leave
the time-out place. Don't discuss the bad behavior, but look for ways to reward
and reinforce good behavior later on.
How
do I encourage a new, desired behavior?
One
way to encourage good behavior is to use a reward system. This works best in
children over 2 years of age. It can take up to 2 months to work. Being
patient and keeping a diary of behavior can be helpful to parents.
Choose 1 to 2 behaviors you would like to change (such as bedtime habits, tooth brushing or picking up toys). Choose a reward your child would enjoy. Examples of good rewards are an extra bedtime story, delaying bedtime by half an hour, a preferred snack or, for older children, earning points toward a special toy, a privilege or a small amount of money.
Explain
the desired behavior and the reward to the child. For example, "If you get into
your pajamas and brush your teeth before this TV show is over, you can stay up
a half hour later." Request the behavior only one time. If the child does
what you ask, give the reward. You can help the child if necessary but don't
get too involved. Because any attention from parents, even negative attention,
is so rewarding to children, they may prefer to have parental attention instead
of a reward at first. Transition statements, such as, "In 5 minutes, play time
will be over," are helpful when you are teaching your child new behaviors.
This
system helps you avoid power struggles with your child. However, your child is
not punished if he or she chooses not to behave as you ask; he or she
simply does not get the reward.
What
are some good ways to reward my child?
Beat
the Clock (good method for a dawdling child)
The
Good Behavior Game (good for teaching a new behavior)
Good
Marks/Bad Marks (best method for difficult, highly active children)
Developing
Quiet Time (often useful when you're making supper)
Ask
your child to play quietly alone or with a sibling for a short time (maybe 30
minutes). Check on your child frequently (every 2 to 5 minutes, depending on
the child's age) and give a reward or a token for each few minutes they
were quiet or playing well. Gradually increase the intervals (go from
checking your child's behavior every 2 to 5 minutes to checking every 30
minutes), but continue to give rewards for each time period your child was
quiet or played well.
What
else can I do to help my child behave well?
Make
a short list of important rules and go over them with your child. Avoid power
struggles, no-win situations and extremes. When you think you've
overreacted, it's better to use common sense to solve the problem, even if you
have to be inconsistent with your reward or punishment method. Avoid doing
this often as it may confuse your child.
Accept
your child's basic personality, whether it's shy, social, talkative or active.
Basic personality can be changed a little, but not very much. Try to avoid
situations that can make your child cranky, such as becoming overly stimulated,
tired or bored. Don't criticize your child in front of other people. Describe
your child's behavior as bad, but don't label your child as bad. Praise
your child often when he or she deserves it. Touch him or her affectionately
and often. Children want and need attention from their parents.
Develop
little routines and rituals, especially at bedtimes and meal times. Provide
transition remarks (such as "In 5 minutes, we'll be eating dinner."). Allow
your child choices whenever possible. For example, you can ask, "Do you want to
wear your red pajamas or your blue pajamas to bed tonight?"
As
children get older, they may enjoy becoming involved in household rule making.
Don't debate the rules at the time of misbehavior, but invite your child to
participate in rule making at another time.
Children
who learn that bad behavior is not tolerated and that good behavior is rewarded
are learning skills that will last them a lifetime.
Why
shouldn't I use physical punishment?
Parents may choose
to use physical punishment (such as spanking) to stop undesirable
behavior. The biggest drawback to this method is that although the punishment
stops the bad behavior for a while, it doesn't teach your child to change his
or her behavior. Disciplining your child is really just teaching him or her to
choose good behaviors. If your child doesn't know a good behavior, he or she is
likely to return to the bad behavior. Physical punishment becomes less
effective with time and can cause the child to behave aggressively. It can also
be carried too far -- into child abuse. Other methods of punishment are
preferred and should be used whenever possible.
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